Elliot birthday interview
October 22, 2018
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Living room floor in front of the piano, surrounded by stuffed animals
Transcription of an interview between Elliot (E) and his Dad, Ben (B).
B: Elliot, how old are you?
E: 11… no wait, I’m kidding: 12
B: Use five words to describe the past year. Take your time.
E: Different. Friendlier. Funner (more fun). Holland Hall.
B: What are some of your fondest memories from the past year?
E: Discovering Fortnite (the computer game). Making Dad owe me $120,000, from a Frisbee game where Aaron and I passed to each other, and each pass earned us, first, one penny, then two, then four, then eight, then sixteen…. Having Tucker visiting our house over the summer. Crossing Aaron up in basketball in the driveway. Crossing Dad up too! My birthday, with my friends where we played a bunch of Fortnite.
B: What are some of your less fond memories?
E: Some things that I don’t want to say because I fear they would be impolite.
B: What are the names of some of your friends?
E: Caden, Eshan, Paulie, Beau, Jackson, Michael, and more… .
B: You have five spare minutes to do whatever you want with. What do you do with it? Hours? Days?
E: Five minutes of the rest of my life? I would go to the highest mountain with an ocean below and would do a billion flips off it—exactly—and also try to dunk on something and die violently.
E: With five hours, I would look up the things my parents won’t let me look up because we are having a three-week screen cleanse. It’s a pretty crappy birthday present if you ask me! And then I would go back in time and see the Beatles, and I’d become J. K. Rowling, Rick Riordan, and Louis Sachar, and also I’d be Shaq and Michael Jordan, all of those people at the exact same time. I’d also set every single world record in the book in one minute.
E: With five days, I’d do the same thing.
B: What are some of your favorite foods? If you had to eat one meal every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?
E: Pizza, noodles, strawberries (especially dipped in chocolate), cucumbers, lasagna. (Also, I want this on the record: Hotel Transylvania 3 is literally the worst movie I have ever seen: they got married after literally two days, I would not be surprised if they got divorced after 30 seconds.) One meal every day? (Asks Mom what the healthiest dinner is that we have repeatedly.) Salad, grilled chicken, pizza, grilled cheese sandwich, rice, orange juice—all of these things, so that I can have options!
B: What is your favorite color? What would you most want to paint in that color?
E: Mere mortals cannot see it. It is the color of when a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time. It’s called “matremolo”: you have to see in nine dimensions to see it. Mere mortals like you cannot see it.
E: Paint in that color? I would make the most beautiful painting in the world by drawing with it on a piece of paper—plastering the piece of paper with matremolo. Also, for the record, Parks & Rec is the best show in the world. Just sayin’. I’m hoping I will forget it so I can watch it again, but I don’t think I’ll forget it.
B: What are some of your favorite authors and book series, and why?
E: Orson Scott Card; the dude who wrote The Lord of the Flies; Suzanne Collins; Ernest Kline; Jennifer A. Nielsen; Rick Riordan; Lewis Sachar; J. K. Rowling; James Patterson; and Michael Jordan (who wrote some serious stuff on basketball history, so that counts—yeah).
E: Book series: Ender’s Game, because it is awesome; Hunger Games, because it is awesome. I like dystopian futures. They are quite interesting. Ready Player One. Ender’s Games. Hunger Games, and The Lord of the Flies, although that is not really a dystopian future. It is more a dystopian now. They are detailed, well written, and they use their imaginations to see bad futures.
B: What is the largest prime number you can think of?
E: 999 decacillion 999 nontillion 999 octillion 999 septillion 999 sextillion 999 quintillion 999 quadrillion 999 trillion 999 billion 999 million 999 thousand and 997. And that’s a prime number, and you have no proof it isn’t. It’s true! I have logics.
B: In a year from now, what would you like to say has come true during the coming year?
E: I have been nominated for a Nobel peace prize. I have joined the NBA because some guy felt sorry for me. I’ve invented a prime number calculator, which I already have the algorithms for. Bam! Also, I’ve begun to see in ten dimensions. And get my wings.
B: What about realistic goals?
E: Those are realistic goals! Alright, for real: get straight Ds in my classes. That’s realistic. Smash a car with a sledgehammer. Have invented a prime number calculator, which I have the algorithms for. And figure out how to not blow up spontaneously. And to beat Dad in marbles. And dunk on a nine-foot-tall hoop. And grow six inches. For the record, I’m currently like 5’6” or 5’7”.
B: If you could travel to one place in the world…
E: Paris, France. Because I want to learn how to speak the language. It is a beautiful language. They have good food, like croissants. And they have strict rules, and the people are not slobs like in America.
E: Also, Aaron and I have made a $100 bet that, when I am twenty years old, I will be taller than him, which, because he is my brother, he cannot accept. Aaron: “you’re not going to be 99 percentile in height for the rest of your life!” Elliot: “I might. How do you know?” Aaron: “Gosh, you’re such an idiot—and my six pack proves it (lifts up his shirt).”
B: You have one minute to invent the premise and outline for a bestselling novel. Go!
E: OK. Some people take control of the world. They are evil. They want everyone to fight the death—all humans, all species until there is only one left standing. When they do, that person gets one wish. There is a man, who is extremely powerful and good at fighting. He encounters lots of different… he is a little bit evil, but is mainly good. He endures many challenges. He also a daughter, whom he loves more than anything. His daughter is eight years old. Finally, he and his daughter are the only ones left, and he immediately kills himself to make sure that his daughter does not die. And then his daughter’s wish is that everything is the way it was before the evil guys took over. OK--it would not be a bestselling book!
B: Do you have goals with church, school, and family that you’d like to enumerate?
E: No, I don’t. I don’t know what to say. AAAAAAAAAAAA.
B: Is there anything else you would to like to add?
Yes, my name is Elliot James Lambert Peters. In either a few days, years, or decades, I will have taken over the entire world by starting out as a low cartoonist, earning my way up to Dogbert’s plan to get credit card advances on every single credit card in the world, and then literally by everything in the world, and then have a lottery, where if anyone wins they get to be my “second in command” and I will have taken over the world. Or, I could be myself. Either one.
B: Uh. OK. Cool. Thanks. Is this interview over?
E: I don’t know, mortal, is it? Is it?
